IS ANYBODY LISTENING? - the Practice of Deep Listening
DID YOU KNOW THAT LISTEN AND SILENT ARE MADE OF THE SAME LETTERS?
To really listen to others we must first learn to listen to ourselves. We must practice tuning in to our bodies and minds and create a clearing so that we can truly be with whatever shows up without needing to change it, fix it, judge it, deny it, justify it, analyse it, condemn it or in any way make it right or wrong, good or bad.
If we’ve learned anything so far in 2020, it’s that we human beings need to be powerfully and lovingly connected and if our connection is to mean anything we must become better communicators, speaking and listening compassionately and openly across all that divides, isolates and fragments us.
Most of us learn how to speak from an early age and this learning grows as we grow into adulthood. However, few of us have ever learned how to listen. For many of at school, listening was taught by the shhhh… sound followed a finger to the lips but saying nothing is not the same as listening. In normal conversation, what often happens is that one person speaks while the other waits to speak. In this way communication then becomes a matter of speaking and waiting to speak. So… when we sometimes wonder if anybody is listening to us, the answer is probably - NO - Nobody is!
Practices of self-awareness and compassion offer us the possibility of transforming this dysfunctional communication pattern so that we can be connected to one another in ways that truly make a difference. A powerful place to start is to focus on the quality of our listening. Real listening means giving open-minded, attention to others, allowing ourselves the time and space to fully absorb what it is that they are saying. Listening in this way is more a quality of presence than action. It seeks not to simply react to the words being spoken but to listen deeply to where the speaker is ‘coming from’ - what purpose, concern or need is being expressed in what they are saying. Real listening calls for me to come to a deep, receptive, and caring place in myself first so that I can be fully present, to the deepest concern being expressed by the other. This kind of listening is open, accepting, generous, empathic. It trusts that whatever is being said, regardless of how well or poorly it is said, comes from something that is true for the speaker. When we listen in this way we operate from a place of curiosity rather than certainty and open our awareness to the unknown and unexpected. Deep listening creates a space where the other feels heard and fully ‘gotten’, as it were. Feeling ‘gotten’ in the truest sense can often feel like a weight has been lifted, a burden laid down, a worry dispelled and that can feel like a miracle.
“When a [person] is capable of being with uncertainty, mystery and doubts without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.”
The practice of Deep Listening is about
Tuning in - Listening Out
Mindfulness: Awareness Meditation
In sitting meditation practice, sometimes called peaceful abiding, we learn to settle, returning over and over again to the present moment and allowing our thoughts to come and go without acting on them. In the process, we become witnesses to life as it emerges moment by moment and we also see how easily we get distracted from experiencing the world as it is. Once we learn to sit and cultivate a witnessing quality of attention and presence, then we can be with everything and everyone just as they are without feeling the need to do or change anything.
Tips for listening to the other…
Firstly enter into a space of peaceful abiding - a space that says ‘I am fully present, I am with you’
Allow the person to speak uninterrupted.
Notice your internal reactions as the person is speaking and become aware of any automatic reactions that may be arising in you.
Do Nothing!!!
Don’t be afraid of silence. Silence is often a space when the most important or hidden things can come up.
If appropriate, feel free to simply ask one of the following questions: Is there anything more you want to say? What about that matters most to you? What about that is bothering you?
Allow the person to speak until they are clear that they have said all that they wanted to say and that you have ‘gotten it’.